It’s strange how birthdays work, not to mention the passage of time in general. Two years ago I felt older than dirt when I turned twenty. I was leaving my teenage years once and for all, and while it was a day I had looked forward to for a long time I couldn’t help but feel like I was leaving something behind that I was going to miss. Last year I was completely apathetic towards my twenty-first birthday. The fact that I could legally buy alcohol was not as amazing a milestone as everyone had made it out to be. This year I was actually looking forward to today, though I can’t quite put my finger on why. Maybe it’s because this could be my last birthday spent in Tallahassee, and I’m looking forward to seeing who shows their appreciation for me and how they do it. I think it’s more likely I’m just going soft as I get older.
I don’t think a person’s twenty-second birthday is all that meaningful. All the rest of the so-called milestone birthdays from here on out end in either a five or a zero. The problem with birthday celebrations is that all too often they are just an excuse to throw a party rather than a time of actually showing appreciation for the person having the birthday. And by appreciation I don’t mean just buying them a gift or giving them a hug; I mean actually telling the person that you appreciate them, and saying why you appreciate them. There should be some sort of expression of positive emotion and thought that was not constructed by a Hallmark greeting card communicated in the direction of the birthday boy/girl.
I think this angst of mine comes from the fact that when I was growing up I was very unpopular. I’m convinced that a lot of the people who came to my birthday parties when I was younger saw it as a way to hang out with their other friends on someone else’s dime, making that determination either consciously or subconsciously, and that the price of a gift and a little time spent giving lip service to the guest of honor wasn’t too much to ask. And while it’s true that today I have real friends who have real appreciation for who I am I also know that it’s likely that whatever ends up materializing tonight will include a few people who are little more than acquaintances of mine who are there more for the fact that their other friends are attending rather than for me. Does this sound really selfish of me? I think it does, but if this day is supposed to be all about me then I think I can afford to sound that way for a minute or two.
Maybe someday I’ll get over this hang up on birthdays. I find it amazing because there aren’t too many things in life I get this worked up about. I’m sure that regardless of what happens today I will feel loved, wanted, and appreciated. But if you come to my party tonight in Kellum, or the next time you’re at a birthday celebration, keep an eye out for what I’m talking about. You’ll see it.
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