It’s been about two and a half weeks since I graduated from FSU. What do I have to show for it? Not much, but probably enough. In my two additional weeks spent in Tallahassee I managed to apply to about fifteen jobs. During the second week I secured an interview with AHCA (Agency for Health Care Administration). Yes, I could be a suit working for the government of Florida. Listen, I should be so lucky right out of college. Don’t forget, I majored in homelessness (see also: religion). I’d be a staff assistant, which basically means I’d do whatever I’m told for whoever I’m the assistant of. It’s your basic entry level job. I was the first person they interviewed for that position, so they won’t know if I’m their man for another two to three weeks. The results of my interview are being passed along to a few other people at AHCA who are looking to fill holes. So I think I’m a lock to at least get a job offer from them, whether or not it is for the specific job that I interviewed for.
I’ve been back in Connecticut for about half a week. I believe I am beginning to realize just how important it is that I stay in Tallahassee for another year. It’s not that I’m going out of my mind like in past years when I’ve come home. That’s primarily because I’ve got plenty to keep my mind occupied. But I’m not sure how long that’s going to last. And though my relationships here are a little dusty I do, in fact, know a few people here. If I went to a place where I didn’t know anyone it’d be very difficult to adjust for the first few months, maybe longer.
These thoughts are not new ones; they go back to my initial post-graduation plans. The two things I wanted to do more than any other after college were (a) to leave Tallahassee and (b) to be around a community of people who cared about me. That’s a difficult bill to fit. Leaving Tallahassee was important to me because I am disgusted by the idea of “getting stuck” somewhere. This feeling comes from my father and dates back to when I was growing up. For years he engrained the idea in my head that he was so fortunate to be in south Florida and not still in Connecticut like so many of his boyhood peers. If I believed in fate in the way its traditionally outlined I’d say my father was a classic victim. He ended up back in the north when his job was transferred. When I graduated high school my first goal was to escape New England, still fearing what my dad had talked about. But as my college graduation approached I looked at my life and realized I’d lived in Florida for 20 years. That’s no different than what my father had described, just a different setting. I needed a way out. I wanted to be someone who was more than the place in which they lived. I wanted to explore new horizons.
But I didn’t want to do any of that alone. I was something of a misfit in high school, only really coming into my own in my senior year. Now, after four years of being around so many people who genuinely cared about me, I didn’t want to go back to being a loner again. Originally I thought that EDGE Corps was the solution. At first I thought it would be a safe way for me to leave Tallahassee because it would provide me with new people to surround myself with that would actually want to get to know me. But deep down I still worried about pulling up my roots. I tried to rectify this problem in my thinking. A normal person is suppose to want to move on from college. That’s what I’d been taught. So in December I asked the alumni and seniors if anyone else would want to go on EDGE at FSU with me. Hey, if I’m not the only one doing it then my thinking is legit, right? But no one was led in that direction. It was then that I first began to realize the selfishness in my pursuit. After being accepted I turned EDGE down because I realized I was using the program in an attempt to satisfy my own desires rather than as a way for me to be a servant to other people.
I have applied in other states — Georgia, Tennessee, Virginia, Colorado — all without any real interest on the part of the employers. So now that it looks likely that I’ll be in Tallahassee for another year I’ve been trying to tell myself that it won’t be so bad. I’m trying to convince myself that I won’t be there the rest of my life, and even if I am that it’ll be a good thing. I’m not just staying here because I’m afraid to grow up and move on. I’m not.
On good days I begin to believe it.
In a recent development, I’ve been dreading what my relationship will be like with the EDGE Corps guys that will likely be coming to FSU in the fall. They’ll have what I turned down. When times get rough for me I’ll envy what they have with a fierce passion, maybe even vice versa should they learn that I was accepted and chose the workplace.
In an attempt to bring order to chaos I’ve tried to set up some goals for myself for the following year. I’m going to have four objectives: to begin to learn how to be a believer in the workplace, to learn from my older roommates how to balance ministry with work, to establish a ministry in Dorman Hall with Jacob, and to get my writings published as often as possible. Three of those goals are to prime myself for an eventual departure, while the ministry goal will be the fifth verse of the song I’ve been singing since I came to town. So far it has been the most effective means of brightening my outlook on the following year.
I really believe that God wants me to stay in Tallahassee to learn from the alumni team that the Navigators have formed. I believe that He will work big things in Dorman Hall with Jacob, and I’ve been told that one of the EDGE guys might join in the fun in that dorm. I’ll be living with older guys who can teach me how to be a Christian out of college the same way I’ve been taught how to be one in college for the last four years. And heck, I’ll be making some money! Nothing wrong with that. All and all, it could be a lot worse.
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