The Day After - Yesterday I was in a fender bender while driving to work. In this blog I wrote a long post about how I was certain it wasn’t my fault even though the officer on the scene attributed the cause to my actions. First, I want to thank all the people that were such an encouragement to me yesterday, whether it was writing me a quick note or letting me whine about it in person or over the phone. Without you I think I’d have had a much greater chance at becoming bitter about the situation.
I’ve made my decision about what to do next. I’m not going to contest the citation. It was a grueling internal battle to arrive at this decision and I’d like to take you through a bit of it.
Yesterday morning and afternoon at work I went through many variations of the blame game. I think I was first blaming myself for being a bad driver and not assuming that everyone on the road is probably plotting a way to hit my car. I think I was doing this mostly because my car is new and it was given to me. I really felt like I should have been a better steward of that gift. I think I then began to blame the cop. I will never understand exactly why he decided what he did, but then again I’ll never hear the woman’s side of the story that she told him either. My only thought is that I didn’t stress to him that I had already completed my turn and she was still in the process of turning when the collision occurred. I think he was under the impression that we were both still in the process of our turns, in which case I can sort of understand the decision he made. But I was hacked at how he could have made such an obvious mistake. Of course then I started to blame the woman. Get old people off the road and whatnot. The whole thing was a big pity party.
I mentioned briefly in the previous post that a coworker came by and encouraged me, reminding me that I was a child of God and that He would still take care of me even through this and all the other bad times. She really did a lot to convict me too, though I’m sure that wasn’t her intention. Here I was clamoring that I had been wronged, yet the whole time I had not stopped to think about this from God’s perspective. He allowed it to happen. He obviously wanted me to come away with something and I doubt it was a sense of traffic court justice. He’s usually been a little more big picture than that in my experience.
I spent the first part of my evening at Camp Special with Rob, Derek and Brent retelling the whole story and talking about my Christmas break. While there we called up Joel Helms to sing him a song, after which I got an encouraging word from him too. One thing that strikes me is that every single person I’ve talked to about the accident has agreed with me that it wasn’t my fault. Everyone but the officer. And, for the most part, these aren’t people who are just going to tell me what I want to hear. But thankfully there was still one more conversation to be had.
I received a call from my father while at Camp Special. Most of you don’t know my dad, but he is essentially the personification of levelheaded thinking and good decision-making. He also agreed that it wasn’t my fault, but stressed as strongly as he knew how that I shouldn’t challenge it. The only way to win would be to convince the cop that he made the wrong decision, because there weren’t any other witnesses. Even if the law is on my side and I can show the place in the book that says so I still have the testimony of two people against my own. So unless Tallahassee’s finest comes to the decision that he made a mistake and wants to swallow his pride by admitting it I don’t think I have much of a chance. And when you look at the monetary cost of defeat there’s just too much to lose if you don’t win in court. My dad was absolutely right. But even after deciding that that was the right thing to do - deciding it in my head for the sake of my wallet - I still needed to want to take that road in my heart.
I’ve prayed about this a little bit over the past 24 hours and talked about it with men and women of God that I trust and respect. The one passage that seems to stick out in my mind is Luke 6:29-31. “If someone strikes you on the cheek, turn to him the other. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.” I was struck, not quite on the cheek, and I do feel like something has been taken from me, albeit not my cloak. What does Christ say to do about it? Let the person hit you again. Let the person take from you again. I don’t think He’s saying to be a sucker and not to desire justice. I think He’s making a bigger point than that. As His followers we have to be willing to endure injustice, be willing to lead out in the resolution of conflict even if it means we don’t get repaid in kind at the end of the day.
I know it’s only been a day, and I’m sure I’ll have more to reflect on and may even have more conflict if the woman has any injuries that surface down the road, but this is where I’m at right now. My safe driving record has been taken from me, but I will not demand it back. There are bigger things at stake here than a higher insurance bill: my own Christlikeness and my testimony. For the past five months I’ve been telling people that the reason I’m in Tallahassee is to mentor students and to help them be more like Christ. I can teach them until I’m blue in the face, but until they see it happening in my own life when it all hits the fan will they believe what I’m saying is impacting my life? Maybe, but maybe not. Why risk that, especially when making that decision isn’t just for their benefit but for my own? If I want to grow I need to learn by doing, to cease just knowing these verses in my head and begin to live them out.
I thank all of you who have been praying for me and for the woman who hit me. Please continue to do so. Bitterness is a sneaky emotion that can lay dormant in a person’s heart. Pray that would be able to forgive completely and to not feel at all entitled to anything better than the lot that has been cast for me. Pray that the woman would also be able to forgive me and that she would feel that justice was served to her.
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