At the End of My Rope

I don’t know if this post is going to boast my usual eloquence or tact. I’m just not in the mood to play all the games it takes to achieve that. The last two weeks have been pretty awful, all told. I’d like to tell you about them.

I returned from Connecticut disappointed that I didn’t get more accomplished. I had hoped for lots of face-to-face appointments. I had two. I had hoped for a large turnout at my group presentation. I had three couples attend. So I was already in a funk. I probably should have worked harder. It’s probably my fault that I didn’t get as much done. I’ve been blaming it on circumstances outside of my control, but I could have tried harder and I know it.

It would have been nice to have a day or two to digest all that had happened up north and plan for the final push. But there was no time to regroup. My life hasn’t allowed for down time this summer. You see, when I got home I had exactly one week to pack everything in my house up and move it across town to my new house. I don’t even own that much, but it took multiple trips and a lot of my after work and weekend hours to accomplish. I did manage to get everything moved from one place to another by August 1. I’m still not completely unpacked in my new house, but I’ve gotten enough out of boxes to live.

So that was the end of the mayhem, right? Nope. Because this past weekend I was a groomsman in my cousin Ryan’s wedding. And I hate having to lump this in to my rant, because weddings are supposed to be a happy time for everyone involved. But it just couldn’t have come on a worse weekend for me. I spent all morning on Saturday driving down to Lakeland, all Saturday night at the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Sunday afternoon was the ceremony, Sunday evening the reception. Monday afternoon I drove home.

Maybe when things look a little sunnier I’ll write a post about that weekend that isn’t so egocentric and actually talks about, I don’t know, the wedding or something. But for now I just want to express that by the time this week started I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally. When I got home Monday afternoon I crashed into my bed a just started crying. Uncontrollably. I just had to get it out of me. I don’t know when I last cried, but it’s been a while.

This week I began my new part time schedule, hence why I was able to drive home on Monday because I no longer work on Mondays. So, obviously, things must be on the up and up now, right? More time to make follow-up calls and face-to-face appointments, right? Sure. That’s doesn’t mean good things will result from those calls though. In fact, I had the single most deflating call of my summer on Tuesday.

I called my pastor in Connecticut asking when the missions committee would meet to discuss whether or not to support my ministry. He told me the date, but then he also told me something else. Evidently there are a few people in my church who don’t like to receive any sort of solicitations. He cited an example of a church member starting a business, emailing fellow parishioners to announce its opening and asking them to come out to support him. Well, that didn’t go over too well with this vocal minority. My pastor explained that my fund raising letter and phone calls have been seen as solicitations by some. He didn’t tell me who had made the complaints and I would never ask him to tell me.

This puts me in a difficult position. First, I don’t want to do anything that will hurt the relationships my parents have with the people they go to church with. Second, since being told this I have been paralyzed with fear over calling anyone at this church, even the last of the three couples that attended my presentation, for fear of exacerbating the situation. Also, if there’s even a chance that one of the people I’ve upset is on the missions committee and I continue to make calls I imagine I could end up losing any support I’d receive from the church.

Yesterday I sat down and talked with Dave, Kyle and Luke. The four of us make up the male staff for the Navigators at FSU. Dave has been mentoring me for years now. Kyle and Luke are my new roommates. We talked about my problems raising support. They were all trying to be helpful but I didn’t want to hear it. I was just so angry. I’ve said this before in my blog, but I’ll say it again. The truth is I like holding on to my anger like a blanket that doesn’t keep you warm. You just keep holding tighter and tighter, thinking that it’ll make a difference if you just don’t let go. We prayed about it for a while. I’m going to come up with a plan for the next few weeks and find someone to keep me accountable to that plan. I don’t think that’s been the problem, but at this point I’m going to take all the suggestions the three of them give me because they’re funded and I’m not.

If you’re looking for a bottom line to yesterday’s meeting, it’s this: I’ve only raised 33% of my overall budget. I need to raise 75% before I can begin working with the Navigators. Next week is the staff and student leadership retreat. I will not be attending, unless God stuffs about $8600 down my chimney this weekend. What I’ll be doing instead is tracking down every person in Tallahassee I can think of that I haven’t already talked to and tell them about what I’m doing with the Navigators and ask them for their support. I’m thinking about making a trip down to Palm Beach too, since I really haven’t paid enough attention to my contacts down there.

Oh, and one more thing. This morning I forgot that I now park my car directing in front of a mailbox. Yep, I now am the proud owner of a rather large scratch on the back left hand side of my car. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about.

Have there been any high points in the past two weeks? Sure there have. Why just last night I had a great conversation with my friend Tiffany. We’re both stuck in neutral at the moment and it was just good to find someone who understood. I think we both hung up encouraged. It’s also been good to see family over the past few weeks. In fact, my parents and sister will be in Tallahassee through this weekend, which should be fun.

I need to ask you all to pray for me in the coming weeks. Ask God to raise up additional people who would be willing to financially support my ministry with the Navigators. I still believe that He has called me to this work, and I believe He will yet show Himself to be a provider of all my needs. Please know that I value your prayers greatly. I will keep you updated in the weeks to come as God moves.